The best kind of tape to use in the theatre is
Glo-tape. It's very useful for spike marks and props--those stupid actors would never find anything without it.
Duct tape. It holds anything together.
Gaffer's tape. It holds things down, dresses cable, and marks sliders--all without leaving a sticky residue!
Multi-colored PVC tape. It's so versatile.
Video tape, so that the whole world can have a record of the company's greatest performances.
Your favorite techie tool is
The wireless headset. It keeps you in touch with the crew.
The hammer. If it won't get that set to stay together, nothing will.
The AJ- It's great for tightening and loosening things.
The slidder. It changes scenes faster than you can say Heads!
The complete and thorough theatrical beer kit.
How many actors does it take to screw in a light bulb?
I don't care, just get it done!
I dunno...I'm still trying to figure out how anyone can do it.
Only one--he just holds it, and the world revolves around himher.
* Too drunk to answer properly*
One star, three supporting players, or twenty chorus members.
How many techies does it take to screw in a light bulb?
THIS IS BEGINNING TO GET ON MY LAST REMAINING NERVE!
I still don't get it.
Only one, provided that s/he has the proper training.
* Has now passed out on the deck*
Too many, and they're all on TMA rate.
You bring food to the techies
Sometimes, when you think they've done a particularly good job.
Never. For some reason, any food you attempt to bake bursts into flames.
Always.
Hardly ever, but you're always willing to share what you've brought for yourself.
Techies need to eat?
Your secret nickname for the artistic director is
The Turd Upstairs.
El Crappo.
The First Against The Wall When The Revolution Comes.
That Guy Who Nerver Buys Us Beer.
The Genius.
Your secret nickname for the technical manager is
That's not even funny. Respect your technical superiors.
The Genius.
The Pseudo-Genius.
That Guy Who Usually, But Not Always, Buys Us Beer.
The Great Peon. (The more things change, the more they stay the same. ...)
Your favorite theatrical joke is
You know, an actor will trip on a line of tape, and a dancer will trip on a line of tape that's been pulled up.
What do you get when you make an electrician a carpenter? A bad carpenter.
What do you get when you make a carpenter an electrician? A good LX guy.
What's black, crispy, and hangs from the ceiling? An actor trying to change a light bulb.
Why are actor jokes so short? So techies can understand them. :(
The best theatrical prank you ever pulled was
I don't pull theatrical pranks. They're dumb, immature, and they endanger everyone.
Locking the actors out of the theatre at half time.
Recording the actors' nasty gossip on the wireless and using it for self-serving purposes.
Replacing the water in the whiskey bottles with real whiskey and watching the actors get slowly drunk on stage.
Telling the techie's theres free beer after the show.
You accidentally injure yourself during final dress. Your reaction is to
Shrug and continue working.
Not even notice until the stage crew points out that you're leaving little puddles of blood everywhere you go.
Carefully clean and bandage the wound, then go back to work.
Laugh very loudly (thereby disrupting the rehearsal) and begin to exchange stories of hellish accidents with your crewmates.
Scream, Cry, and go into hysterics as the running crew carries you away.
In the theatre, the director can usually find you?
In the wings, going over a copy of the script.
In the workshop, fixing that nasty set problem that cropped up last night.
In the control room, running cues and having strange headset discussions.
On the fly-rail, amusing yourself by drunkenly flying things in and out.
In the green room, gossiping about anyone and everyone.
It's three hours before call on opening night, and you are?
Talking with the director on the phone, attempting to convince her that it is simply not possible to have a live cow on stage in scene 14-A.
Attempting to catch a quick nap in order to stay alert during the show.
Already at the theatre, running all the cues over...and over...and over...
Drunk as a skunk.
Surrounded by adoring fans who inflate your ego to dangerous proportions.
The house opens in five minutes, and you are?
Backstage and on headset, focused on the show and ready to roll.
Attempting to pound in that one protruding nail that's been bothering you for weeks.
Praying that you can get through the show without screwing up this time.
Sleeping at center stage despite the SM's repeated entreaties to get into the wings.
Barricaded in crewroom, refusing to perform without a substantial raise in salary.
You've just finished the best show of your career. The first words out of your mouth are!
I love you all, let me buy you a friendly beer or five!
Huh-huh, COOL!
We didn't mess it up? WE DIDN'T MESS IT UP!!!!!!
Party at the pub!
You couldn't have done it without me, you know...
You've just made a complete botch of the show. The first words out of your mouth are.
You guys suck, I don't know why I didn't kill you all long ago.
The lx/sound op did it.
Hey guys, would you mind getting here a few hours early tomorrow to run cues 15 through 580?
Let's go to the pub!
Those stupid techies, they screwed it up again.
It's an hour after the final show, and you are?
On stage directing the get out.
Helping with strike--you want to get out of the theatre and go party.
Getting the gels down, while trying to figure out how you can make things even better for the next show.
Drunk.
Hiding out in the green room in an attempt to avoid having to strike.
Twelve hours after the final show, you are?
At home, sleeping
Partying with the wardrobe girl and explaining to them why building stairs is the worst job a techie can possibly have.
Back at the theatre planning the next show (although you're probably getting more partying than working done...)
Drunk.
So incredibly stinking drunk that even the stage crew is avoiding you!
Your worst theatrical nightmare is?
Simultaneous actor and techie union disputes.
Having the set fall apart.
Spilling Coke into the lighting desk and having to pay for it.
Being run over by your fellow techies, who are all too drunk to realize that they are about to crush you under a truck.
Being relegated to the role of chorus member.
In your wildest theatrical fantasies, you imagine
A raise. A big one.
Lots of new tools.
Running an absolutely perfect show.
Beer. And lots of it.
Thunderous applause, bouquets of roses, Tony awards, and huge movie deals.
In your opinion, this test has been
A waste of time.
Mildly amusing.
Very funny.
Hysterical, especially to a bunch of drunk people.
Unfair to actors.
